#32: she'll never know

In early October my biggest worry was moving over to the UK and all of the hassle involved with packing, then on October 18th my aunt died....

This was not just any aunt. This was the aunt that pretty much raised me, that I lived with for most of my life and whom I stayed with whenever I went back home to visit after I moved away. Even though both of my parents are alive and well in their own homes, her home was always my home and I liked it that way.

Now my home is no longer my home. My aunt is gone and my sister is moving out and in with my dad. I'll probably visit the house again but I'll probably never stay or live there. It's hard to lose someone as close to me as my aunt was, harder to combine that with losing my home as well.

I'll forever miss her and the fact that I never got the chance to come out to her left me wondering:

• Is it a good thing that she never knew I was gay because she'd never be disappointed or unhappy with me? OR
• Will I forever regret not telling her before she died?

The opportunity to ever come out to her has been taken away from me now and I'll never know how she would have dealt with it.

Even if unhappy in the short term, her stance might have changed in the long term. Part of me knows she must have at least have been suspicious but suspicion versus actually confirming something can lead to very different reactions and outcomes.

With suspicion, people can still convince themselves it may not be true. Upon confirming that I'm gay, there is no way to hide from the fact. That being said, people can surprise you. She must have been suspicious for years so maybe, just maybe....

It's hard to deny certain factors from the simple such as my love of Will & Grace, to the more blatant fact that my "friend" (ex-bf) and I spent hours on the phone daily. I know the topic has been discussed before but of course I was never involved in these chats.

Part of me wishes she knew but being completely honest, I'm somewhat fine with the fact that she never knew for sure.

I know that's not the expected answer but it is what it is. Maybe that'll change over time.