#58: invisible wall

I find it really hard to sit down and have a social conversation with some people when they don't know that I'm gay.

It's not that I want to just sit down and talk about dating men, fashion or any other stereotypically gay thing all night, but I somehow it's harder for me to relax and just let the conversation flow naturally.

Those who know me know that I can talk anyone's ear off so it's quite the feat that ANYONE has this effect on me. I've found this to be the case when going out with some people recently and it's really bothering me.

Talk generally seems forced (at least to me). It's like some kind of invisible wall is there. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, maybe I'm just not as comfortable with them as others yet. I haven't known them that long and maybe that's why they don't know I'm gay.

Or maybe it's the first for some and the latter for others. Who knows.

#57: living alone

After two years of living alone, I've quite gotten used to being in complete control of my living quarters. Now that I'm about to return to one of the most expensive housing markets in the USA, I've been thinking about whether I want to get a roommate in order to cut my expenses substantially or at least get a bigger/better place.

I've had roommates in the past, well I've had ONE roommate previously and it turned out pretty well. We both had different friends, different interests, etc that kept our lives disparate enough but we were also friends so we did things together with people that we both knew. He was like any other friend of mine except that we happened to live together. We just got along really well.

He was responsible, always paid his portion of the bills on time and we stuck to our cleaning schedule. I'm not sure I'll be so lucky the next time around. Plus, I kind of like that when I get home everything is exactly how I left it, that the dishes in the sink are mine alone and that I only need to clean up after myself.

If I'm not in the mood to interact with anyone else or if I want to spend all weekend watching bad TV,  there's no one else to consider. Granted there are ways around this, I could always just restrict myself to my room and get an additional cable box in my room but "restrict" is the exact opposite of freedom.

I want my own microwave, my own cutlery, my own furniture, my own television. I want to be selfish and not share. I want it to be MINE.

The more I think about this, the more I'm willing to not live in Manhattan OR to get a smaller place OR to cut back on my discretionary spending just to make this happen.

Of course, I'm still hopeful that I'll secure a nice place on the tiny crowded island but even if not, I'd still rather have a place of my own.

#56: reasons to love London

• Guys here are way more forward and relaxed. That's probably correlated to the alcohol consumption levels here though.
• I may have a slight thing for European men and they seem to have a thing for me too!
• I get hit on more here (see first two points above).
  
• No one bats an eye when you kiss people of the same sex. Even in NYC, you'll get some stares.
• A drag queen beat an X-Factor winner (the UK equivalent of American Idol) on the music singles charts.
• It just FEELS more gay friendly here (see above).
• You can drink almost anywhere INCLUDING on the street, drinking on public transit was banned during the summer of 2008 however.
• Partying here is just better. It's more about having fun and/or dancing than about being "seen" and "looking pretty" like in NYC.
• Speaking of which, there's MORE clubs. NY just seems bar filled. Here it's a nice blend of bars AND clubs. Something for everyone and every mood.
  
• Um, continental Europe? It's across the English Channel.
• London is the center of all time against which every other time zone is set against.
• Londoners have style, at least during the winter, I've heard during summer it can get pretty ugly.
• The young gay professional scene here is the best I've ever experienced.
• The people I work with are awesome.
• The friends I've made here have been amazing.

I guess the themes of London are:
GREAT FRIENDS, MEN (European), FUN, GAY-FRIENDLY, ALCOHOL (lots of), TRAVEL and STYLE.

I'm just...gonna miss it soooooooooooooooooo much. Sigh.

-J

#55: i can't help myself

So it figures that less than 24 hours after I decide to move back to NYC that I would meet a guy here in London.

Not just any guy mind you, but a sweet, smart, sexy guy who I happen to really like. We started chatting online a few weeks after I moved here but didn't meet in person until the day after I had made the NYC or London decision.

Before meeting him in person I wasn't sure where things would lead. In fact I was pretty sure they were headed for the friend zone, but clearly not.

Now here I am, almost 5 dates in 2 weeks later, really liking this guy.

He knew from the get go that I was leaving and while we certainly haven't avoided discussing the topic we haven't really talked about what happens on that far far FAR date less than 6 weeks away.

The potential for this to be something great is there but I know that that potential will almost certainly be unfulfilled.

All I know is that the more I see him, the more I like him and I've been seeing him alot! Twice so far this week including last night (it's currently after midnight in London) and we're going to be seeing each other again on Friday.

I know that this can't end well in terms of our feelings but.....I just can't help myself.

#54: rat people

I never paid much attention to Zodiac signs or anything but I did know that I was born in the year of the rat. I had no clue exactly what that meant until someone asked me and piqued my interest by telling me that it was actually currently the year of the rat, well for another 6 days anyways.

This of course, led to some Wikipedia searching and I saw that the entry on the rat had much more content than the other signs. Odd.

Being the first sign of the Chinese zodiac, rats are leaders, pioneers and conquerors. They are charming, passionate, determined, tenacious, charismatic, practical and hardworking. Rat people are endowed with great leadership skills and are the most highly organized, meticulous, and systematic of the twelve signs.

Intelligent and cunning at the same time, rats are highly ambitious and strong-willed people who are keen and unapologetic promoters of their own agendas, which often include power, wealth, and status. They are energetic and versatile and can usually find their way around obstacles, and adapt to various environments easily. A Rat's natural charm and sharp demeanor make it an appealing friend for almost anyone, but rats are usually highly exclusive and selective when choosing friends and so often have only a few very close friends whom they trust.

Rats are fair in their dealings and expect the same from others in return, and can be deeply affronted if they feel they have been deceived or that their trust has been abused.

Sometimes they set their targets too high, whether in relation to their friends or in their career. But as the years pass, they will become more idealistic and tolerant. If they can develop their sense of self and realize it leaves room for others in their life as well, Rats can find true happiness.

Not so bad right? But then there are choice lines like these:

Behind the smiles and charm, rats can be terribly obstinate and controlling, insisting on having things their way no matter what the cost. These people tend to have immense control of their emotions, which they may use as a tool to manipulate and exploit others, both emotionally and mentally.

Rats are masters of mind games and can be very dangerous, calculative and downright cruel if the need arises. Quick-tempered and aggressive, they will not think twice about exacting revenge on those that hurt them in any way. Rats need to learn to relax sometimes, as they can be quite obsessed with detail, intolerant and strict, demanding order, obedience, and perfection.

A valuable lesson for Rats is to learn to consider others before themselves, at least sometimes, and to avoid forcing their ideas onto others.

Traditionally, Rats born during the night (like ME?) may face extreme hardships and suffering throughout life. Rats in general should guard themselves against hedonism and nostalgia, as it may lead to self-destruction. Gambling, alcohol and drugs tend to be great temptations to Rat natives.

Now I'll be the first to admit that some of these things are pretty accurate, mostly on the positive side (of course :)) and fine, even SOME of the negative stuff but I'm definitely not hedonistic, into gambling, excessive drinking or drugs of any kind.

But hmmm, well maybe there is something to this whole zodiac thing.

#53: decision made - NYC!

So last Friday (Jan 09, 2009) after much thought (and stress) I made the decision about whether I wanted to be in London or NYC for the foreseeable future and I chose New York City.

As I weighed the pros and cons discussed at the link above, my gut (and brain) had been saying NYC for awhile but my heart (not sure if there is a difference between your heart and gut but clearly there was in this case) was saying London.

I love it here in the UK and I'm going to be really sad to leave but I just think NYC better positions me in terms of role and location for my long term goals.

That being said, I could always return to London later if I felt like I wanted to. Returning to the US if I had chosen the UK would have been a much tougher feat.

So that is it. I'm very comfortable and happy about my decision despite jumping back and forth for awhile even AFTER I had made the initial choice. I can't tell you how excited I am to actually buy furniture, etc.

Now I need to find a decent apartment in New York. Talk about stress, round 2!

#52: goals for '09

 I talked previously about some of the major moments in my life during 2008 so I figured I'd also list some of my "resolutions" for 2009.

I decided to keep this list nice and short as long lists of resolutions are bound to be difficult to stick to.

Here are my 3 resolutions:

• My first resolution is to pretty much stop over-analyzing my life and relax a little (or a lot). I know that my penchant for analysis can lead to some good (or at least long) blog fodder but not everything needs to be planned or must have an answer. Some things just don't work out how you thought, other things just aren't supposed to make sense and when it comes to love, some men just ARE assholes for no good reason. The theme for me in 2009 is CHILL OUT!
  
• My second resolution is to do more stuff. What is stuff? Stuff is get involved in hobbies, learn to swim, eat better, maybe pick up a sport. Stuff is all about making myself a better more well rounded person.
  
• My final resolution is to travel more. I want to make it to Barcelona, Los Angeles, South America, and maybe even Australia this year.

I must admit that 2009 is off to a pretty good start in terms of dating, (not that that was one of my resolutions), but I've had 3 dates within the first 4 days of the year including one on Jan 1, 2009 itself. :)

Here's to an awesome 2009 for all of you and for myself!

#51: top 20 song obsessions of 2008

Here are my Top 20 most played songs in 2008:

1. Pussycat Dolls: When I Grow Up (367 times)
2. Rihanna: Disturbia (270 times)
3. Maroon 5 feat. Rihanna: If I Never See Your Face Again (237 times)
4. Madonna: Incredible (197 times)
5. Lindsay Lohan: Bossy (194 times)
6. Pussycat Dolls feat. Snoop Dogg: Bottle Pop (189 times)
7. Natasha Bedingfield: Pocketful of Sunshine (188 times)
8. Rihanna: Take A Bow (180 times)
9. Madonna: Give It 2 Me (174 times)
10. Christina Aguilera: Keeps Getting Better (167 times)
11. Danity Kane: Damaged (164 times)
12. T.I. feat. Rihanna: Live Your Life (160 times)
13. Britney Spears: Break the Ice (158 times)
14. Katy Perry: I Kissed A Girl (156 times)
15. Britney Spears: Womanizer (152 times)
16. Jesse McCartney: Leavin' (148 times)
17. Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown: No Air (147 times)
18. Britney Spears: Toy Soldier (143 times)
19. Cory Lee: The Naughty Song (140 times)
20. Ida Corr: Let Me Think About It (138 times)
    

All I have to say is clearly I had a very gay 2008. LOL.

2007's #1 was actually Rihanna's "Umbrella" which I played 390 times during that year.

One song that I played alot in both 2007 and 2008 but it never managed to be "overplayed" like the songs above in either year was "Apologize" by One Republic feat. Timbaland (129 times in 2008).

It's funny that I never realized I played certain songs as much as I did. Take Lindsay Lohan's "Bossy", Madonna's "Give It 2 Me" or  Christina Aguilera's "Keeps Getting Better." And Jesse McCartney? REALLY?????

Very Weird but it's what iTunes says....